Aging: Getting Old Is "Getting Old"

My Toastmasters club was giving me a hard time because I wanted to begin our holiday party at 6:00 pm instead of 8:00 pm.…

We old folks need to be home so we can get to bed at a reasonable hour. The fact of the matter is I'm up almost every day at 3:30 a.m. and I'm usually at my desk by 5:00 a.m. I've always been an early riser, so I guess old habits are hard to break.

I'm the "life of the party" as long as the party is over around 8:00 p.m. But we baby boomers have other frustrations too. I'm still trying to figure out some of these easy-to-open bottle caps. Even President Richard Nixon had teeth marks on some of his medicine bottles, so this isn't just a boomer issue.

Other boomer items that seem to be consistent include the issue of grand children. None of yours are as cute as Ashley Elizabeth, my gorgeous little "hyetti" (an Arabic word which means "my heart… the breath of my life.") Really. It's true.

And no, I'm no grouchier today than I was 30 years ago. I didn't like traffic then and I don't like it now. I didn't like waiting then and I don't like waiting now. I never liked lawyers then and I still don't like them now.

I could understand the lyrics to "My Girl." I defy you to interpret the lyrics to this "wrap" music… or is it "rap music"… I never knew actually how it was supposed to be spelled.

My wife is always complaining about our dogs barking. I have a simple explanation… it's their job to bark. Still, I never liked barking dogs. I hate politicians that bother to open their mouths, for two reasons. First, they usually have bad breath, and second, nothing of value ever comes out.
I'm wrinkled, tired and grumpy nowadays, and that's when I'm feeling good and have done the gym drill. I have many weaknesses, but my legs aren't among them. I enjoy suckering some snot-nosed kid at the gym into a showdown on the leg press.

One of my fellow geezers sets them up by helping to put six 45-pound weights on the leg press. He then challenges the "new-by" to a press-off. Of course the "new-by" beats him easily. He then says, "Bet you can't beat that old guy over there," pointing at me as I pretend to have my back turned. "How much?" asks the "new-by. And he's hooked.

I proceed to put eight 45-pound weights on each side of the leg press and two on top for a total weight of 900 pounds. "New-by" is freaking out about now but I press away. When "new-by" leaves, we split the take.

One thing is for sure… when you're fat like I was most of my life you build up amazing strength in your legs. Now to be fair, there are 90-pound chicks in the gym that can lift more than I can, but nobody out-presses your boy on the leg press.

The most frustrating thing about age is you can't outgrow it. I was suffering through a shopping experience recently with my wife recently.

To be fair, I'd rather wrestle a rhino than go shopping. I can't remember which of the many sins I committed that day, but somehow I ended up going to the church bizarre with Christine as part of my penitence.

We found this really interesting antique lamp that was for sale. The closer I looked at it the more I realized that it was just like the one I had just taken to Goodwill. The sign at the door explained it all: "We buy junk but sell antiques."

On his death bed an antique dealer named six bankers as his pallbearers, explaining that as they had carried him for so long that they might as well finish the job.